1. My roots are growing out and I really want to get them colored but Professor Creech has me in yet another existential crisis of faith and humanity so I’m thinking I should save that money and give it to a child in Uganda. Or pay rent.
2. I’m worried my Dad has not had enough fun in his life, so how could I be so selfish as to write a paper for school when my Dad has spent his whole life working?
3. I need to obsessively update my Facebook status.
4. The train is really loud.
This week, school is down a couple points. Or rather, poetry. It appears that my writing has a little stage fright or rather can not show itself on command. Kind of like when my brothers used to have burping competitions. I could never understand how they could burp on command (and in tune, harmony and all).
I wrote in my notebook today, “I wish there was a degree for self-help and personal transformation. I would already have my Phd.”
This week I am feeling either too ethereal or just plain dumb for mainstream school…do they have a special english degree for people who have read all the books on co-dependency but just happened to bypass Gone With the Wind?
I need a restorative yoga class. ASAP.
In honor of Valentine’s Day I am compiling two lists.
The first one is 15 things I love. The second list will be 15 reasons I love myself.
As I stood in the card aisle at Target tonight, all I saw were cards for those in romantic relationships and I realized that I had forgotten to be upset about being single on Valentine’s Day…call me narcissistic (you would not be the first) but I really enjoy my own company. A valentine would just be like that second glass of wine…enjoyable but not entirely necessary.
I love
1. NoDa Yoga- this place is a haven for me. I am blessed to be a part of what Maria, Jillian, Jen, and the students have created and are creating.
2. My friends and my friends dogs. They have been unconditional with me which is great because I am dramatic and moody.
3. Grass Fed Ground Beef. Tonight I told my mom I felt good about life again. She said, “To what do you attribute that?”
“Grass Fed Ground Beef” I responded.
True story.
4. Deva Primo- its like having your mom sing to you and brush your back.
5. Evening Primrose and Alkaline Water- the combination is clearing up the acne I have had since conception.
6. Common Market. Thank you for feeding me and being weird.
7. The single bamboo i bought in Asheville and put in a glass of water. I am going to try and nurture it and keep it alive. Its a science AND social experiment. I am testing how responsible and capable I am to prove to those who think I suffer from Arrested Development wrong. I don’t suffer, I enjoy every second of procrastinated adulthood.
8. My nieces. You should meet them. They are all really cool.
9. My family. Thank you.
10. My west coast family and the newest addition-Logan Bridger.
11. Therapy, yoga, and multivitamins.
12. The smart kids at school who help me and don’t laugh when I drop my books, spill my milk, and get a run in my pantyhose. Thank you.
13. My Green Papasan Chair. I curled up in the fetal in it yesterday and took a 2 hour nap. It was like being in the womb again, only not as wet and there was a bit more leg room.
14. Baths. It continues to amaze me how much I like to be submerged in water.
15. Laurel Market- but more specifically the guy (what is his name?) that works behind the counter Mon-Fri. He always asks how my weekend was, if I have a busy day, and he smiles constantly. Plus he’s my caffeine dealer. I have to respect him.
Okay…stand up. Put your arms in the air (Just do it)…now wrap your arms around yourself and say out loud -LOUDLY
“I AM SO IN LOVE WITH MYSELF”.
One time when I was in California, I was taking a workshop with Sark. She made us do this. I was cynical at first until later that night at the wine bar I was sitting at. Two guys in their forties conversed with me. Buisness men. I made them do this in the bar. They were resistant at first, but then (this IS a true story) they stood up and yelled “I AM SO IN LOVE WITH MYSELF” with their arms wrapped around themselves. I think I peed my pants (just a little).
Just do it. You will feel great.
Okay. Sit back down. I’m not done yet.
15 reasons I love myself.
1. oh my gosh-this is really hard.
1. I have not given up on myself or my dreams.
2. I love fiercely, imperfectly, awkwardly but I love…
3. I am full of courage.
4. I try new things.
5. I take myself on dates and I am really good company.
6. I have survived a lot of weird and hard experiences and continue to journey toward living a balanced, whole, and healthy life.
7. I can admit when I have been wrong, selfish, and prideful…
8. I am IN PROCESS…or more so…still rising like YEAST.
9. I am not afraid to FIT OUT…or if I am afraid, I do it anyway
10. I love myself because I make myself laugh
11. I am creative and innovative.
12. I am giving.
13. I love myself because I am amazed at my own hearts capacity to open and to love. I know its capacity for the opposite, but it is the capacity to give and receive love that humbles me.
14. I love myself because I am not afraid to go to the grocery store in my pajamas.
15. Just because.
This week I don’t like poetry.
I don’t like meter.
I don’t care for rhyme.
I don’t like the smart girl in class who knows all about iambic tetrameter.
I don’t like Fussell and his rudementary text.
I wanted to push over the bookshelves in the library while reading his theory on meter.
He used words like ‘tight’ and ‘stiff’. I felt my jaw clench, my feet grind into the floor.
I don’t like caesuras or enjambment
I don’t want to scan a line or stress a syllable
I want a bucket of paint and a big huge canvas to toss it on
I want to turn in the canvas and say
“How about them apples!”
